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dear diary, do you hate me?

by Melanie A. Davis

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rlmc2009
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rlmc2009 Fav track is a tough choice— they’re all awesome! I love this album because of It’s fresh perspective, intelligent lyrics, great musicianship, and beautiful vocals. Such a unique talent— keep an eye on this emerging artist because you’re bound to hear much more from this prolific singer/songwriter. Favorite track: Dandelion.
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1.
Blinded by the notion that my third eye was wide open I strove to be the most fucked up one in the room All irony was lost on me, cheap malt liquor + shitty weed Suppose it's what I thought I ought to do But trouble tends to just breed more, morals loosened till ignored, I watched him go for the second time eye level with the floor In the wake of my new consciousness, I took it upon myself to risk a life I'd only seen in shades of gold; Looked for love in strangers' arms, left melancholy and lukewarm I ignored the red flags waving past the bridge of my nose What was it that I had hoped I find? Could I commit to a peace of mind? What if the narrative I was looking for was of a different kind? Placed upon a pedestal of painted hypotheticals, a scarlet letter glued to its base Wires crossed and egos bruised left me weary, tired, and used You asked me why I kissed you, but you read it all over my face Stranded thirty miles from home, the smell of pine and honeycomb We shared a bed but I never felt more desperately alone
2.
Annie 02:37
Annie says she loves me, Annie says she cares Annie loves the way I run my fingers through my hair Annie says she loves to take the breath right from me, says I look the sweetest when I'm sad Said she likes to pull the rug from right under me Tell me that you think I'm bad Annie makes me wish I was dead, but she fits so nicely inside of my head Running around those pieces of gray until I can't recall if it was always that way, but Annie says she loves me so I guess it's okay, it's okay Annie says they love me, Annie says they care Annie loves to whisper to me when they start to stare Annie says that she needs me and I need her, it's all for her that my heart beats and why it hurts Annie don't you leave me, oh, I need you to stay Keep the demons away Annie makes me wish I was dead, but she fits so nicely inside of my head Running around those pieces of gray until I can't recall if it was always that way, but Annie says she loves me so I guess it's okay, it's okay It's okay
3.
Paradox 03:33
I'm sorry she said, threw a rock from the garden bed I felt my cheeks getting red I'm sorry, I couldn't find better words in my head so I fled Oh, I fled like a little bird scared of her own sound Will I see you around, will I see you around? Cause I tell you the song sounds different when you're not here a half-forgotten tune that slips out of the ear like sand through cracks in the wall; I never wanted to leave the sea at all But the thoughts and the fears, both the real and perceived Lead me to conclusions I'd like to believe so I'll hum a fragment of a tune so I can feel close to you so I can do what I want Drink when I want, and smoke when I can Dive into something irrelevant to a man, yeah, cause love has caused me nothing but heartache and pain Least I'd like to paint it that way, cause that way I could justify being so bad -- making you cry over what we had So I'll throw and I'll yell, but I'll never quite shake Feeling that hell is the feelings we make Oh the song sounds different when you're not here a half forgotten tune that slips out of the ear like sand through cracks in the wall; I never wanted to leave the sea at all But the thoughts and the fears, both the real and perceived Lead me to conclusions I'd like to believe so I'll hum a fragment of a tune so I can feel close to you so I can do what I want But what to do? Can't I have my cake and eat it too? Oh I tell you, the song sounds different when you're not here a half forgotten tune that slips out of the ear like sand through cracks in the wall; I never wanted to leave the sea at all But the thoughts and the fears, both the real and perceived Lead me to conclusions I'd like to believe so I'll hum a fragment of a tune so I can feel close to you so I can do what I want
4.
Guest Room 04:36
I had to bury you again today I picked out petals from piles of dirt, moved all the rocks out of the way, then I replaced them with hurt My tongue tingles with words it's still wanting to say Squeeze a bit tighter the lid of a bell jar I hold your lighter so you can pick up an acoustic guitar I tripped on shrooms in silence for hours, cause I thought I would bore you Looking ahead at a doorway that I've relinquished power to step through The dog days delivered the death of the love I had guarded A love that I had tried to protect, but with distance departed And all of my hemming and hawing explained the incessant gnawing at the back of my brain and inside of my bones -- that although I set my things down in your foyer, the walls started caving when I said I'd stay cause you never invited me home I cut the strings from my feelings that day I dropped you off in your driveway, we both started crying as I drove away For all the hours we just couldn't see, we'd painted masks for the other to be and the colors had begun to fade How much longer before your appearance fades out of my view? After all, it's been years since we were drunk watching the barges roll down the bend The option was there to pretend, so I volunteered to defend you, the rose to my prince Sometimes I wonder if you feel as empty as I do I saw you last August and I could not quite recognize you And all of my hemming and hawing explained the incessant gnawing at the back of my brain and inside of my bones -- that although I set my things down in your foyer, the walls started caving when I said I'd stay cause you never invited me home
5.
Wake up half-past four, scrape a lump of coal inside a bowl before walking out the door You light a smoke, the nicotine hits your throat, you start to choke -- never remembered your body ever feeling so sore Got the cops called again, they must know you by name It's all the same old means to an end You couldn't take a small joke when your methods to cope were to put me nose-to-nose with your CZ 10 But darling ain't that the dream? Feel the airwaves screaming with the hum of a million stars 24 seemed obscene, you'd have ditched the whole thing if you felt you were driving that car But if anything stuck, it's to run or get fucked, thought there might be a place you could find in between -- but honey, thoughts are a tarred set of wings, now sugar, ain't that the dream? So you wake up in jail, carrying on about an empty Masson but you can't pay bail Now you're repeating yourself, living in a virtual hellscape, you kill yourself to pay and you pay to get help But darling ain't that the dream? Feel the airwaves screaming with the hum of a million stars 24 seemed obscene, you'd have ditched the whole thing if you felt you were driving that car But if anything stuck, it's to run or get fucked, thought there might be a place you could find in between -- but honey, thoughts are a tarred set of wings, now sugar, ain't that the dream? So what will it take? Got a high school peak, two left feet, and a kid past eight So now you work for the mob, but your dad and your mom say that's better than 28 with no fucking job But darling ain't that the dream? Feel your brainwaves screaming cause they don't remember who you are Your day to day seems obscene, you'd have ditched the whole thing but you knew you weren't driving that car And if anything's stuck, it's to run or get fucked thought there might be a place you could find in between -- but honey, thoughts are a tarred set of wings, now sugar, ain't that the dream?
6.
Xmas Party 03:17
I held your hair at the last Christmas party in between breaths, you'd tell me your sorry, then leave me to clean and make your way back to the bar You planted trees for me, promised me peaches but you let the roots get choked out with weeds -- is that how you wanted to show me who you really are? And the love I stand to give somewhere deep between my ribs is much bigger than you ever could impart and if I stand alone in the sighs of weary bones, it's still better than being scrapped for spare parts My love is not for you to discard Overstayed welcomes, more empty goodbyes, you said, 'I'm leaving,' back in mid-July but the lines came out rehearsed like you'd said them a million times Cause then in November, you knocked on my door You couldn't remember just what you left for The truth could be reduced to what you do with matter rattling in your mind, in your mind And the love I stand to give somewhere deep between my ribs is much bigger than you ever could impart and if I stand alone in the sighs of weary bones, it's still better than being scrapped for spare parts My love is not for you to discard
7.
Dandelion 03:26
It was only until the earth stood still that I could hear the birds sing. I could see only then the violet beds, peaking through clover and rows of dead nettle green. Wandering through a daydream in blue, is anything just what it seems anymore? I just look to the dandelion weeds in the yard, oh, I'm trying to keep up the fight, but it's hard -- I watch as the poison oak clings to the trees as I push from my mind that the tree is me And as long as the grim reaper peers through the screen, I'll move my gaze to focus on these The coyotes overtook the Golden Gate Bridge yesterday, guess we finally got out of their way. The waters ran clear again, and up around Lake Michigan the red foxes lay in an especially cerulean April day. Is the sign of our times a fist or a dime? And just when these thoughts tangle into my mind I just look to the dandelion weeds in the yard, oh, I'm trying to keep up the fight, but it's hard -- I watch as the poison oak clings to the trees as I push from my mind that the tree is me And as long as the grim reaper peers through the screen, I'll move my gaze to focus on these It was only until the earth stood still that I could hear the birds sing

credits

released December 4, 2020

Recorded at the Pussy Palace, April-November 2020
Engineered, mixed, and mastered by Fate McAfee
All songs by Melanie A. Davis

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Melanie A. Davis Murray, Kentucky

Singer-songwriter from western Kentucky. I sing about me, you, us, and the wild weird world we're currently living in.

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